The first time I left all of my boys for more than one night was in 2009.
I went to my first Justin Timberlake concert blogging conference in Las Vegas for four days.
I had a lot of fun.
You know, once I got past the intense kid withdraw, the heartbreaking mom-guilt, and had a few hours on the plane to recover from the intensity of leaving-the-kids-with-their-mostly-untrained-but-totally-well-intentioned-father preparation.
Since then I have gone to a number of blogging conferences (although somehow I’ve not made it back to another JT concert, go figure), traveled for work, and even spent a week in New York getting a What NOT to Wear make-over.
Next week I’m heading out to California to hang out at Toyota with the other members of the Toyota Women’s Influencer’s Network (TWIN) so I can get all the deets on the brand. I’m hoping to familiarize myself with all of their vehicles (feel free to shoot me some questions you want asked; like if they are planning to make a hot pink Prius any time soon), learn about their marketing and social media efforts (so I can help you all connect with them better too), and maybe take a few test drives, Top Gear style of course (I live with a house full of men; we watch a lot of Dude shows).
But, before I can do that I have to prep the house for my departure.
This, friends, is no easy feat to accomplish.
Which is why I’ve put together a Dumb Mom’s Guide for your enjoyment guidance. In case you too are planning to head out for a few over-nights and leave the kiddos behind with the less, um, skilled knowledgeable experienced parent.
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Leaving Your Children Home with the Less Frequent Correct and Omnipotent Parent Dad
1. Leave explicit instructions. In the form of a variety of handwritten notes including visual graphics if possible. Something like this should do…
2. Brief the children. Inform them that things will be different. Probably more fun, but likely less comfortable, and definitely not as happy. Let them know that they are going to miss you. Badly. Sometimes, so much that they won’t be able to stand it. But then, you’ll be back! Right when they think they can’t take another morning of chocolate covered waffles with chocolate milk and Pop Tarts for breakfast and pizza and fries for dinner. Right when they are starting to actually crave the cleanliness of a bath and the restfulness of a decent bedtime, you will sail into the house and put everything back to perfect. Until then, they will have to survive. And think about you constantly of course.
3. Brief the spouse. Let him know that he is to miss you. Intensely. Inform him that he is to work his hardest to perform all of the tasks you perform in his absence at the same level of awesomeness you accomplish them with. But that you understand that he’s likely to be unsuccessful at achieving such and you have no intention of holding his shortcomings against him. Provided, of course, that upon your return he acts appropriately appreciative of your uncanny ability to make miracles. Daily.
4. Call in reinforcements. In the form of mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, and/or any other individuals who may have direct knowledge of your children’s day-to-day functioning in a way that your spouse may not. Because s/he is always at work. While you’re at home working miracles. And stuff.
5. Relax. And have fun at your concert/conference/work function/girls night out or whatever. Rest assured that your spouse is, maybe not as capable of keeping your kids healthy and happy and clean and fed and play-dated and such as you are, but still amply capable of keeping said children alive and well. It is unlikely that anyone will be misplaced, dismembered, excommunicated, or otherwise harmed while you are out enjoying yourself. Perhaps there will be a load of laundry or five for you to attend to upon your return, and maybe there will be a broken something glued back together haphazardly for you to discover in the next 6 months, but so what? At least you’ll have had your free time or your uninterrupted work time. And probably you will return to a house full of people dying to let you smell their necks and cuddle their faces.
How does your family fare when you’re not around?!
*Please note, Dumb Mom is not attempting to insinuate that dads are less capable of caring for children. I’m just insinuating that the dad in this particular household is less awesome at caring for children than I am. Maybe this is based on the fact that I am home with them more than he is so I have way more practice at doing so than he does. But, probably it’s just because I’m naturally better at everything really.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I was told a long time ago that you can’t save your kids from your husband, and you can’t save your husband from your kids. You have to let them find their own way of working together. But somehow, they all survive together, and it’s better if you are not there to see the process. And then there’s what I like to call “The Recovery.”
Which is why I never leave them for more than a few hours. Ever.
“The Recovery”…bwhahaha! I really do need to leave them beat each other up more often
You are Amanda, the Good Witch of the North. And I, Jennifer, the Good Witch of the South. Only bad witches are ugly. And Dads are not wizards. Not in the least.
I believe the men folk AIM to do things a little off, screw things up a bit, break the routine..the harmony..the stain glass angel on the mantle. That way we feel we can never leave. Because someone will surely be dead when we return. Or at least something that smells dead will be stuck between the couch cushions and the mess awaiting us will make us wish we were dead.
I’m on to him.
When I go away for work, my husband gets to revel in that phenomena known as “the kids are always great for me”. As in “the kids have been great, no problems at all.” Partly because dinner is never at home when it’s dad’s watch, partly because they are going easy on him, he gets to actually enjoy this time with the kids.
I’ve never actually witnessed this phenomena in person. But I hear it’s pretty cool.
I’ve only left these people together for more than a night one time (and our oldest is 11!). It was last summer when I went on a 3-day conference for work. They called so much I thought I was still there. I purposely didn’t clean the house before I left (why clean to have to come back and reclean?). I left it looking like crap. I returned to it looking like crap. Aim low and win.
So I am a lover of all blogs and I saw the episode of you on What NOT to wear today! Definitely glad I found your blog even though I don’t have kids, I like reading stories about parenting! I look forward to reading your blog!
You are funny! And, I also saw you on What NOT to Wear. I have three sons, too. I saw a bit of myself in you. Definitely following your blog!
I just saw you on What Not To Wear and as Cindy said, I can see a bit of myself in you as well! I will be following your blog from now on! p.s. you looked AMAZING on What Not To Wear! Happy for you being happy for you, too!
Just saw you on What not to Wear! Loved you so I looked up your blog. So glad I did! Your writitng is so good and makes me laugh. Thank you!! Will be checking in a lot – I have a lot to read on here. Mom of boys…love it!
I think my favorite on the list is dont use my toilet.
thats awesome. I have not left my infant overnight yet so I am not sure how that will go.. lots of phone calls probably!
I’m pretty sure the only person that misses me when I leave is David.
Hilarious!
My kids have a ball, eat meals made up entirely of meat, and go to bed late.
Totally stresses me out, but I have learned to cope.
How was Ca?!?
I am blessed in the fact that in some ways I think my husband is more competent as a parent than I am. I am great at all the planning, the list making. Making sure they have clothes to wear and are appropriately dressed, etc. I just don’t always have the patience for repetitive stories, games, rinse lather and repeat. I went to a work conference (for a week) when my son was 5 months old!