You know, stuff someone coulda mentioned back when I was young and in a position to maybe do something about it.
Because quite frankly I am peeved about this.
I mean not like double-charged-me-at-McDonald’s-and-still-left-out-one-of-my-kid’s-Happy-Meals-so-I-have-to-go-back-through-the-drive-thru-to-assuage-my-starving-3-year-old peeved, but you know, still, pretty darn upset
I just feel so tricked is all.
You’d think one of the old bats wise women hanging around church, and the grocery store, and other random places inappropriately doling out unsolicited advice woulda done a little more to warn me about the hazards young behaviors were going to have on my old tail.
I mean they have plenty to remark on when it comes to whether I should pick up my crying baby or not. They don’t mind telling me the doctor is wrong about the impending sex of my child. And they seem to know exactly how much hair my unborn baby will come out with based on my level of indigestion.
But no one could mention the fact that due to changing hormones, my adult skin would be breaking out like a 15 year old Dungeons and Dragons loving teenage boy when I reached the 29-Again milestone?
Seriously people, I bought Proactive yesterday!
Proactive!
And, I swear to you if I don’t come out the other side of this looking like Alicia Keys, we will have words.
I had beautiful skin when I was young! Never broke out, no discolorations, only a few random, infrequent pimples. And this was with me only washing my face when it got visibly dirty!
I came out of adolescence largely blemish free.
Such a low maintenance face I had; just wet in the shower and go really. I didn’t even wear makeup!
And then I turned 29 again. And just like that the ugly set in!
Total crater face over here. With a beard and moustache accompaniment.
And don’t even get me started on the whole weight thing.
Not the actual gaining of it; I get that and it’s my kids’ fault.
But now, as I sit here still rocking my postpartum belly sack 3 years post partum, I have some question for the know-it-alls out there. How come no one told me that not only would my body get less shapely and more flabby with childbirth and age, but it would turn into a muscleless, nearly boneless sack of Jaba the Hut?! And forget about a metabolism.
And how come things like to hurt inexplicably? And, what is up with all of this HAIR?!
It’s insanity.
I refuse to let the younger generations suffer through this state of confusion.
So, here you go young moms: Dumb Mom’s Guide to Keeping Your Body Up-to-Snuff Even if It Sorta Acts Like it Hates You
1. The sun will fry you. And you will look hideous and old before your time if you “enjoy” it too much. If you aren’t fortunate enough to be born with an au natural brownness about you, go ahead and use the spray kind. I know. It’s not the same. But, do you want to look like this…
Source: too-much-sun.funnypart.com via Amanda on Pinterest
No. Because it is hideous.
2. Moisturize. I have to because when I don’t I look ashy (for those that don’t know, ashy is the you-look-like-you’ve-been-dancing-in-a-fireplace-all-day look that no one enjoys), but everyone needs to moisturize their skin to keep it all supple and pliable and pretty and stuff. I use Eucerin* every single day of my life. Fortunately because I use it frequently I don’t have to get crazy with it, but if I ever had a lapse in judgment and decided to NOT moisturize one day, they have all sorts of repair products to help you get back to soft. I don’t require that stuff. But it’s out there if you need it.
3. Drink water. It’s not as tasty or as happy-with-jitters as Diet Coke, but it’s better for you. Way.
4. Smile. Going around town with your stank face on seriously ruins your look. You know, in the long term. Back when your mom used to say if you looked ugly your face would stay that way? She actually was right about that. Only just that it would take you 3 babies, a husband, nondeductible debt, 30 extra pounds, annoying co-workers, an economic depression, a crib recall, a naughty puppy, and the inability to find life balance for you to finally start to see it. If you’re gonna have lines all over your face the smile ones are better than the frown ones. For real.
5. Exercise. Apparently it helps. No matter how much we hate it.
How do you keep your youthful appearance? Acacia berries? $400 beauty cream? Botox? Magic?
Go ahead, spill your beauty secrets!
*The Eucerin peeps recently sent me some product to check out. Because I’m a total fan. They didn’t tell me I had to tell you guys about their ability to moisturize your body into sweet-baby-booty-bliss, I did that all on my own. Betcha they like it though!
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
i need some advice too! i just bought the oil of olay proX stuff for us ladies in our late 20s with acne. sheesh ol mighty, i am sick of this! and I’m with you.. never had acne when I was younger! Frak -yo!
Oh this is wonderful! I have a mother who passed on some nice genes…so that helps. I have found that the expensive lotions & postions do not work any better than something from the drug store!
Water, exercise and SMILING! You betcha!
Dude…I’m breaking out like a teenager too…It’s rough!
It is always easier to smile when you can sit in the dark and raid your kids’ Halloween stash in peace. You know, cuz chocolate is full of antioxidants, is supposed to mimic the hormones produced during sex, and stuff. And since I am never going to get pregnant ever again….I eat it for the good of everyone. They don’t need all that sugar anyway.
Actually, a high carb, high sugar diet is not only going to keep that belly fat lingering on and on and on, but it will make your skin break out too. This is recent research, but something many of us suspected for years. Another culprit? DAIRY. Dairy can cause terrible acne – try a dairy fast for a few weeks and see what happens.
Really want to clear up your skin? Try eating fruits and veggies and salmon and olive oil/avocados with lots of water for just one week. Live foods vibrate at the cellular level very quickly because they are alive! Cooked foods . . . well . . . they are vibrating pretty slowly and your skin doesn’t look as fresh and alive as a result.
If you want your skin to look like a vibrant, lush peach, then you gotta eat one! If you are chowing down on a Happy Meal, your skin will look lardish and dull and greasy.
Coffee will dehydrate your skin BADLY. Chocolate may taste good and have some benefits, but the most recent research is proving what I personally have known all along – it contributes to acne. They aren’t sure why, either, but it DOES.
Some easy cures for dull skin – if you have some milk (that you should be skipping if you want great skin), put some on a cotton ball and dab it on your face. Lactic acid will gently exfoliate the outer dead skin cells. This is why Cleopatra used to bath in milk – her skin was magnificent and soft and exfoliated. You can also add a cup to your bath.
Take a TINY amount of olive oil and apply to the drier parts of your face before bed. Best is to take a teaspoon internally, but I find that disgusting unless I’m using it for salad dressing.
Acne breakouts are simply a pain in the butt and I have NO advice except that to reduce redness immediately, Visine, soak a Q-tip on it, and dab it on the individual pimple. Because Visine restricts blood vessels, it can often work to temporarily reduce redness. Sulfur based-masks like the fantastic one Proactiv puts out (my personal favorite) are great, but honestly, don’t believe the commercials. Sulfur does NOT dry up a pimple overnight, or take away the redness. Zits just take their own sweet time.
FAR better to avoid dairy (especially milk – terrible for your skin), high amounts of sugar in the diet (because sugar is an inflammatory substance and also causes hardening of the “connectors” that hold skin cells together and make them supple, so the skin wrinkles due to the rigidity of the sugar-hardened structure), chocolate and stick to fresh fruits and vegetables with GOOD fats like olive oil or avocados or fatty fish like salmon. And tons of water is a miracle.
Wow, Missy Ruth. I enjoyed reading your comment almost as much as I did the original post! Thanks for this (as I sip mah Pepsi at 9:02 a.m.) I AM DOOMED!
Yep, I had that skin in high school. And you are right. No one who knows, tells you the down side of anything. ‘Kill the messenger’ and all that…
I just found out this summer that using a toner brings your skin’s pH back to neutral after using a cleanser. I use plain store brand Witch Hazel from the Target Pharmacy and it seems to be true that my skin just looks a little more like I am alive.
There is nothing worse than battling both wrinkles and zits at the same time. Nothing.
I had bad but not horrible acne in high school. And then it just stopped. I remember pretty. Pretty ain’t lived here in a heap o’ years. If I look to my right in the teeny tiny mirror on my desk I will see that crater that’s been sitting on my left cheek for two weeks now. I used Proactiv for a few months but then they triple charged me and refused to fix it and, well, I have grudges. I also drink a lot of Pepsi. And tequila, but not together. I know that both will keep the wrinkly pooch that is my midsection around (yet I have stopped drinking neither). I eat a lot of butter and cheese. The IBS hates me for it (yet I have stopped eating neither). BUT. I do eat a lot of healthy stuff. I love fruits and veggies and b/c the kids do too it’s easy to eat right at home. It’s this godforsaken office that keeps the Pepsi so accessible, the fried, fatty foods so glorious smelling.
My kids walk around all itchy refusing to understand that lotion is not their enemy, especially in winter. I see your fireplace example and raise you flour kicking for all the ash on their legs. I switch often (Eucerin is high as a giraffe’s butt! Although I guess if it works it’d be worth the investment) and am now using Vaseline’s cocoa butter something or other (but it’s too thin). What I need, though, is a face moisturizer. It seems like nothing combats the dryness that loves my nose. And I tried some Target brand stuff that made me feel like I was on fire. From the inside.
All I have to say that acne in our 30′s sucks big time!
I hate the age spots. I think I need a peel or a laser to get rid of this stuff.
Oh and I could have totally done without the visual of the saddle bag in the bikini. That image may never leave my brain, Amanda. Thanks for that.
I posted on FB last week about the stupid zits I still get at age 36. I’m sorry I meant STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now I can never erase that photo above from my head. Thanks a lot. ;P
I would do anything for some clear skin. I can’t remember the last time since I turned 30 that I had a clear skin day. I just purchased the Olay Pro-X for acne and it is helping but I feel like my skin gets so oily halfway through the day and that is NOT a pretty look. Also, nothing seems to work to keep my chin clear. I should not have acne at this age.
I used that for a bit but I didn’t notice a huge difference. It made my skin softer, but didn’t keep the uglies from popping up announced!
That is exactly what is going on withme. My skin feels softer but I am still getting crap popping up on my face. Sigh!
OK, I get the once in a while zit on my face, but I’m getting age spots. On my face. I figured they would appear on my hands, whatever. But my face? Ugh. So I’m paying mega bucks for dermabrasion, chemical peels, all that jazz. I dislike it SO much.
I’ve got a big ole zit on my chin right now and I can tell you that it just isn’t fair. Not fair at all. Stupid zits. Especially when the 6yo tells me, “Mom you’ve got a wart on your face.” Really? Thanks for that.
That is too damn funny!
A wart, That is too damn funny!
Ha! #2 asked Dumb Dad if he got hit in the head with a bat once. It was a zit. A BIG one!
Oil Cleanse Method. You wash your face with olive oil and caster oil. My face has never looked better. Oil attracts oil. The caster oil draws out impurities. Then I use Coconut oil as moisturizer. It’s awesome.
link for OCM http://www.theoilcleansingmethod.com/
I’m a low maintenance kinda chic. I definitely moisturize. I use Aveeno products and I am in love with Dove cream oil lotion. Instead of wearing make up every day, I use a tinted moisturizer which gives that polished look without the heaviness.
Rodan and Fields was the ONLY thing that worked for me for the acne….. and I tried EVERYTHING! It’s pricey – but it actually works!!!
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