Writer’s Workshop. Parenting Tips for People Who Need Them.

I consider myself a parenting professional.*

I know, sounds pretentious of me, but I figure since no one really knows what they’re doing anyway and it’s all about trial, and error, and the fine art of learning to fake-it-til-you-make-it I’m feeling pretty qualified. 

I mean, I spend enough time at it.  I’ve been doing it for a while.  I write about, I talk about it, and I did take one of those hospital classes about changing diapers and making bottles and what-not when #1 was baking.

So, yeah, I’m like pretty much the same thing as a pro.

Which means I can judge others if I want to.  The fact that I write a blog called parenting BY dummies should have little bearing on my qualifications. 

You should instead focus on the fact that I have a 95% accuracy score when it comes to being mediocre and trying really hard to not suck on a daily basis.

That’s a solid A, people.

And, you should ignore me at least 98% of the time.

That being said there are a select group of parents who should take every little bit of my advice.  Learn it.  Love it.  And, live by it.

They are struggling because they are, a) the I like smoking crack group, b) the I didn’t plan to ever be a parent and I’m pretty sure I hate it group, and c) the clearly I was raised by wolves group.

In my not-really-expert-but-still-awesome opinion, anyone can be Mom Awesome if they do what I say put their minds to it.  It just takes a bunch of effort, a lot of time, and the avoidance of annoying mom-tendencies that ruin your credibility on the playground and make people want to slap your face you and your kids pretty impossible to be around.

5 Things Moms Say But Shouldn’t Unless They Want Me to Hate Them Their Kids to Grow Up Ruined**

1.  “I’ll give you something to cry about”.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if you’re saying this to your kid, then you already have given them something to cry about: their life.  I mean, do kids need you to give them a reason to cry?  From what I’ve seen, kids can come up with plenty of reasons to cry on their own.  How about you focus on giving them a reason to smile instead, kay?!

2.  “You don’t have to share your special toy.”  I know it’s hard for preschoolers to share their junk, but maybe Mister-I-can’t-share shoulda left that special toy of his at home?!  Just sayin’.  My kid had to leave his 150 toys that no one is allowed to touch at home to prevent all of this playground drama, so why couldn’t yours?  I almost can’t get mad at #3 when he pushes your kid down and carjacks him comes over and tells me your kid is mean and lacking in decorum (yeah, I taught him that because I think it’s funny when kids insult you with big words).  He likes Lightning McQueen too.

3.  “Are you tired, Buddy?”  Seriously, I get tired kids, but why do I only hear this one when a kid is in full meltdown mode at Red Robin and bouncing over the back of the booth to stab me in the head with his plastic spoon?   At that point your kid should probably be at home in a sleep coma, or strapped into the car seat while you get your meal to go.  I totally understand the kids-are-tired-and-going-bananas syndrome because we’ve all been there.  What I don’t get is the make-an-announcement-that-the-kid-is-tired-and-then-let-him-go-bananas-all-over-the-place-because-you-gave-your-stupid-little-he’s-tired-disclaimer.  I’m more of a let’s-take-this-outside-punk mom myself.

4.  “I’m going to count to 5…”  And then what?  And why not 3?  Personally, by the time you get to 3, I’ve had it with you, your kid, and your useless counting, so why bother going all the way to 5?  He’s not gonna listen to you by 5 anyway.  Because you’re not gonna bust his tail do anything when you get to 5.  He knows it.  You know it.  And, I know it.  So please don’t count for my benefit.  It’s just delaying the inevitable: that he is probably gonna wind up slapping your face and embarrassing all of us before this play date is over.

5.  Pretty much anything said in that whiny baby voice everyone hates.  Believe this: everyone hates it.  Including your kid.  He just doesn’t know how much he hates it yet.  But, when you’re still using it at his 8th birthday party, he’ll know.  It’s really not quite as cute as you think it is.

Now, go forth and parent!

So glad Mama Kat suggested this prompt for Writer’s Workshop this week.  I really needed an excuse to act like a brat to get this off my chest!

Have some tips for parents who need them?  Join us in this week’s workshop or feel free to share here!

*pBd Don’t-Blame-Me Disclaimer:  I am not a parenting professional.  I am not a parenting expert.  I’m actually not really an expert at anything.  Should you decide to take any of my advice in regards to parenting your children and they grow up sucky, go ahead an blame yourself; you were warned.

**I really don’t care about how people raise their children.  If you want to do a ton of dumb unique stuff that’s entirely up to you, I won’t judge not out loud at least.  I will smile and nod and go feed the ducks to get away from your crazy.