It’s not particularly hard from what I can tell.
Yesterday, in celebration of V-Day I had a number of awesome blogging ladies over here giving their advice on how they keep romance alive.
Easy stuff like lowering your expectations and fighting with wine and sex.
Or something.
Point is, they provided some pretty useful tips that I might have to incorporate even if I do feel the need to modify them slightly to fit my wacky lifestyle.
But, even if I’m too lazy to try anything new and exciting, I think I’ll be a-ok on the keeping-the-husband front.
Why?
Well, because naturally I’m so friggin’ awesome the man can’t ignore my girlish charms I have a fool proof plan.
To loosely quote a person who I didn’t bother to remember: “Failing to plan is planning to suck.” Or something.
Get out your pen and paper ladies, class is in session.
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Keeping Your Husband Happy, Healthy, and Quiet (or at least in a food coma that has essentially the same affect)
1. Marry down. It’s been my experience that if you marry someone who is dumber, poorer, and less attractive than you are he will be so infatuated with your awesome he won’t be able to think of pleasing anyone other than yourself. Okay, so perhaps this one is a complete fallacy that I have deluded myself into believing in order to explain how regular Dumb Dad scored awesome me? Or vice versa.
2. Trickery. Fake pregnancy. Fake illness. Fake DNA tests. Fake tears. What? It works on all of my favorite shows, including the reality ones I can’t stop watching. Please don’t try to tell me reality TV is not real. Not you too.
3. Bribery. That money can’t by you love saying is so crap. People take it too literally. If you modify it’s meaning just slightly you will see that it’s true: Money can buy you things you love. And that friends, is pretty much the exact same thing! Seriously. How can you be happy without a house? Or cute handbags? Or cupcakes?! Come on. Humans can’t live without cupcakes. Disagree? Fine. You have your opinion and I have the right one mine. But, you should know that tons of rich people agree with me.
4. Honesty. So the first three suggestions aren’t your style? I get that, they clearly didn’t work so great for me either (not having scored a husband who is rich or hideous to look at through a fake pregnancy; mine was totally real). But, honesty is the best policy and it really does do the trick for nearly 8 years of wedded bliss long term marriage. But, honesty doesn’t mean you can’t keep telling little white lies to cover your shopping and/or eating be personal with some intimate details to keep people happy. I see no reason why he needs to know that I didn’t get dressed until 3pm or that instead of taking the apple crisp I made to playgroup, I ate it by myself in the garage. For us, honesty is more about being true to who you are as a person and as a couple, and not letting other people (real or imagined) influence that or drive you to be someone you aren’t together or apart. It’s about feeling secure enough to be yourself (mostly) and to share your truths with each other. Plus you get the unique pleasure of being able to call each other out when one of you is not keeping it real. That’s so awesome!
5. Learn to cook. Other than being all honest and open with each other and yourself, I think having a solid repertoire of delicious tasting foods you can make or acquire with speed is key to marital success. I mean you gotta eat to live so you might as well make him worship you for it enjoy it! Plus, if there’s always something delicious to shove in his mouth you can easily keep him from saying something stupid. A situation that is to be avoided at all cost!
Proof is in the photo people, Skinny Dumb Mom with Young Dumb Dad (yes, he’s still skinny despite my attempts to fatten him up). He’s been haunting me loving me madly for like 13 years (and before that I was in his dreams).
What’s your best relationship advice?
Clearly I can use it!
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Uh oh, that last dreams line and the photo launched “get out of my dreams and into my car” in my head. Earworm alert!
I would add communication to the list. As long as we’re talking, I can’t blow $hit up in my head and turn something mundane into something ridiculous. Not that I would do that.
Of course you would never do that. I count honesty as communicating. Can’t be honest if I don’t say what I think. Or at least eh nice version of what I think:)
I don’t know where I first hear this but someone once said, “Make sure he loves you just a little more than you love him.” Honestly, I really think it’s true. I love my husband. I do. But seriously, I know he loves me more. There have been way too many times when I could have easily given up on him… but he never gave up on me. That’s why we have been married 13 years too.
We’ve been together 13 years. Married 8 this year. He obviously loves me more. I’m so much more difficult to be around than he is.
I also agree with this. I’m pretty sure David loves me just a little bit more than I love him (most days). At least enough to not give up on us.
You always crack me up. Your list is great!! Money can totally buy love, and being smarter isn’t such a bad thing sometimes. Hope you had a great Valentines Day!
Ahhh, Valentine’s Day. Sick kid, basketball practice, someone got grounded, and Dumb Dad made me wanna slap his face. It was perfect!
Hubs and I are both laughing hysterically (and secretly wondering what the heck is so funny as we side glare each other!)
Our advice: Remember the honeymoon and don’t cry over split condoms.
Dammit! We never went on a honeymoon. That’s what I get for having a baby before we got married and for starting grad school two days after we said I do. I’d totally trade my Master’s for a week on the Riviera!
this is hilarious!
i lurve it. also, thanks for putting me on the B list yesterday. It was fun to read my advice (budget meetings in the shower) on valentine’s day as i realized that I did not shower that day nor had i shaved my legs in over a week. way over.
life is goooood here!
um- i want to hear more about the un-faked pregnancy, since i just did the math and realized you’ve been married less-longer than #1 is old.
also, how is the training for that marathon that is aka 5k coming along?
lastly, i too bake entire batches of yummies and eat them all myself. but the hubs will NEVER know such things. Good thing he doesn’t read your blog. Or mine!
peace
-angie
Yes. Real pregnancies are WAY more effective. Training? Marathon? Who? Me? I will start when Pauxatawny Phil gets his facts straight. I can run a 5k in my sleep! Although, running it when I’m awake is what I’m really freaking out about! And, yeah DD doesn’t read my blog. Or listen when I talk which is the real reason we’re still a team!
We are out of money and clinging to each other for dear life. Are we doing it wrong?
I got my best advice in a HUGE fight when we had been married 6 weeks. Mickey told me in the loudest voice I had ever heard him use, “YOU DON”T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING YOU THINK!!!”
I said, “I don’t.” Thus, proving him right.
I say everything I think. Just the nice version:)
See, that’s why I keep coming back. To sit at the feet of the awesome ‘mistakelessness’ that is you.
Haha. Love the pic of you two. See now, I think the secret to our marital success is the fact that HE cooks and I don’t have to.
If he cooked I’d be skinny. Wait a minute, maybe I should start doing that?!
Cooking is DEFINITELY key. I think that’s mostly why I have a ton of photos similar to yours … young and skinny. And totally not what we look like any more. *sigh*
We never went on a honeymoon either!
We only have young/skinny shots together because all of our friends who were old enough to work a camera stopped hanging out with us when we had our tribe of kids. Can’t say I blame them!
Go to bed mad because sleep is so much more important than making up. You can do that in the morning when you don’t care anymore about whatever pissed you off.
That’s why I love you…you’re smart.
Yes, and because to men, the phrase “Never go to bed angry”, means “stay up all night and fight.”
I have to agree, its really is good to marry down.
And you guys look so cute.
Ah, youth. If only it didn’t leave us so quickly.
Remember why you wanted to be with each other in the first place. Sometimes it’s damn hard too, but totally worth it.
I do not stalk you nearly as much as I should. I mean I read you in my reader but it’s just not the same. It’s like looking at the Polaroids instead of picking up the binoculars.
But I digress…
Southern Belles are taught to marry a man who loves her more. I was just never clear on the more than what part? More than his muscle car? More than his mom? More than a fat kid loves cake??
I’m pretty sure he loves me more than I love him though, so there’s that…
I LOVE that list!!!
Oh my gosh, I may or may not have just snorted, loudly, while laughing at this list. Damn it!
Love!!!
I’m in no position to give marriage advice right now. In my next life I’m living until I’m 40 before getting married.
Oh wait. there is no next life. I better enjoy this one then eh.
You always crack me up, but gosh you both are so stinking cute together! It’s priceless!
I’m a baby cub in marriage of 6years.
my dad has always told me to marry someone uglier then me LOL. glad to say i didn’t listen.
I lol’ed at this post. Doo seems to think he has married down with me although we arent even married yet. In my experience I would reccomend you sign on the dotted line of a marraige cert before having little nippers. I hate not having the same surname as Youngling. Another great post and what a cute photo xx
I’ve started flirting with mine again…you know when he’s not driving me crazy by not emptying the trash or whatever. It confuses him, but then it leads to him realizing that I still find him attractive. I’m assuming tht’s what led to the extra big box of chocolates this year anyway.
I wouldn’t marry too far down though. I tried that with boyfriends and it just makes them worry that you’re gonna leave them for a forklift driver.
Great article! I’ve enyoed.
Take a look at webpage with so many GREAT tips!
http://www.howtokeephusband.com
I’m so happy that more and more sites are writing about these serious issues in a normal way.
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