As the holidays approach you, and every other warm blooded American family, are probably going to be spending a good chunk of time on the road.
Heading to the mall to shop, traveling to see friends and family, just being out and about.
But, before you hit the road I’ve decided that every mom who reads this blog needs to pass the Dumb Mom Rules of the Road Training Course.
Why?
Because I am sick of people committing crimes against the rules of the road. Particularly the distracted, mini-van driving, over stressed from yelling-at-their-warring-kids-and-crying-toddler-as-they-reach-for-the-pack-of-fruit-snacks-that-is-just-out-of-reach mom people who populate my neighborhood.
Them and the teen girls, elderly men, elderly women, teen boys, and hurried businessmen (did I forget anyone?) whose blatant disregard for common road courtesy cause me to want to ram my car into a storefront on Black Friday.
Some very smart people have devoted a good chunk of time making sure that everyday people like you and me can get to the mall without being impeded, imposed upon, or killed by people who don’t know what they’re doing.
I’m doing my part to run people like that over with my ride school people like that so that we all can enjoy safe road travel and live long, happy, road-rage-free lives.
I have driven on the Autobahn of Germany, the freeways and city streets of Los Angeles, as well some of cruddiest-roads-on-the-planet in Washington D.C., which means I’m an expert on sucky driving and am more than qualified to make some suggestions. Plus, in my younger road-rule-breaking days I spent my fair share of time in a California driving school erasing points on my license learning the finer points of safe driving. Pretty sure I got a certificate which means I’m official.
Let’s start with a quiz?!
1. The far left lane is for…
a. taking my merry time
b. passing
c. stopping in the event of a fender bender even though there is a shoulder
2. Talking on the cell phone while driving is only okay…
a. for people like me, who are awesome
b. what? Cell phone use while driving is never okay. Oprah says so.
c. when you’re blind and can’t drive anyway
3. When I want to go slow, but other people want to go fast I should…
a. move my a$$
b. Move my a$$ immediately
c. drive in front of them because I’m a control freak who can’t stand to let someone pass me, even when I’m obviously the worst driver on the planet
4. Picking my nose while driving is…
a. my business
b. okay as long as I don’t flick it
c. down right disgusting
5. I use my brakes…
a. the way they were intend; for stopping the car when necessary.
b. every time I drive on a hill, up or down
c. when I’m scared, when other people are behind me and I want to piss them off, for fun, on the freeway even when deceleration is acceptable, pretty much always because I suck
I’m not going to insult you by telling you which answers are the right ones; I know you know even if you don’t want to admit it. However, if you are one of those people I hate uncertain, continue reading…
Dumb Mom’s Guide to NOT Being a Suckin-It Driver
1.Stay focused. Using your cell phone to talk or text is pretty much only okay for me never okay. I’m a talking/texting while driving person in remission. I used to be bad about it, but now I only do it at red lights/train tracks/parking lots I’m not. If driving is even remotely hard for you, turn your phone off when you get in the car and then lock it in your trunk; it really is dangerous.
2. Stay focused more. Also, kids can be dangerous in the car as well. I’m a mom who can work the radio, talk on the phone, eat a burger, and breastfeed a baby while driving. Everyone is not so similarly skilled. So, it’s important to require your children to behave in the car or make them ride in the trunk with your phone and let them know that it’s not okay to distract you while you drive. Insist that they wait for a snack/a sippy cup/to explode out the sides and up the back of their diaper until you arrive at your destination. And, no adjusting the rearview mirror to give them the mom or-so-help-me stare. Not. Safe.
3. Obey the rules of the road. Someone went through a ton of trouble to come up with them. We all know that you can take that off ramp way faster than the 20mph marked on the sign, but should you? Only if you’re me. Otherwise, just do what you’re supposed to and no one gets hurt, probably.
4. Don’t be courteous. Not when it comes to “letting people go”. If you have the right of way, TAKE IT. When you don’t it pisses people off throws off the natural flow of traffic and causes confusion. Confusion is a slippery slope to an accident. So go on your turn and let everyone else wait for theirs.
5. Don’t be a jerk. I’m not saying you shouldn’t let people with their blinkers on get over, or that you should run those annoying people on those slow motor powered scooter-cycles off the road. On the contrary. If everyone is following the same rules, theoretically, the system of driving works well. Remember though, it’s not your responsibility to ensure that everyone is doing the right thing. Some people speed, some people weave, some people suck. And citizens arrests are not for real. Just focus on being awesome yourself and the other people will get lit up by the po-po for being annoying before you know it!
Have a mom tip to share this Tuesday?
Leave your link in the comments and I will read it and comment and Tweet in joy!
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah, this reminds me of riding passenger with an old roommate from New Jersey. She was going 70 in the left lane and had a long line of cars behind her. I told her she needed to get over or speed up. Her response: I’m going the speed limit. Everyone else should, too.
I had much to teach my little grasshopper!
There are a lot of people like that out there. I’m not sure why people think they need to micromanage the roadways. We have officials for that. I sorta consider myself one:)
I follow most of the rules of the road, but now, thanks to the quiz, I will be more attentive while picking my nose, and will make sure I don’t swerve into oncoming traffic while trying to dig with the tissue deep into my nostril. Happy?
Very much so. Would also suggest you tint your windows darker, perhaps even past the legal limit. Would be safer for everyone. Particularly those of us who stare at nose pickers to the point of endangerment!
Perhaps you could drive my brood around for me? Since you are obviously an awesome driver. And I will drive by myself so I don’t endanger my kids. What do you think? Please?
I did rules for parents on the playground today. Those are my mom tips.
Fine. As long as I can put them in the trunk.
You know I’m cracking up over this one. Especially the brakes going up or down a hill. WTH is up with that??
Sick, sick, sick people. That’s WTH is up with that!
BwaHaHaa! GREAT ADVICE! Bad drivers DRIVE me completely INSANE!
Yup. Right up there with people who pick their noses.
#4, so help me God.
While driving in the car today, #3 yelled, “Mommy dere is a booger in ma ear!”
When I asked him where it came from, he said, “I got it outta ma nose put it in ma ear. It was bovering ma nose.”
I’m afraid for what type of a driver my son will grow up to be. Perhaps the nose picking-booger flicking kind I can stand the least. I will be SO embarrassed!
This has been one of my favorite posts!! I concur with all points, so I must be an awesome driver too, but driving in the Autobahn of Germany?!?! So much cooler than driving on the NJ Turnpike.
But, possibly equally as scary and perhaps even more educational!
If anyone answers A to no. 1 I think we should take them out back and beat the crap out of them.
Yes! I’m all for beating crap out of people. It’s exhilarating! And, I would argue, selfless and good.
Great tips and perfect timing too, with all the horrible drivers bum rushing our roads for their annual trek to grandma’s house for turkey. Let’s hope these folks listen to you because I am not above sticking my head out of the window and screaming obscenities on the day set aside for love, peace and giving thanks. There’s a table full of turkey waiting for me and I’ve got to get there right quick and in a hurry people.
I’m glad you brought Mom Tip Tuesday back today. You always have the best, if not super funny, advice. I know you read my latest Parenting 101 post, but if you didn’t read the one before that (the one where my husband is fed a tampon in his sleep) then you can find it here: http://liveandloveoutloud.com/2010/11/05/parenting-tip-never-leave-your-toddler-unattended/
I love coming here. I always leave with a smile – without fail. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Amanda.
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
My toddler is trained in the art of road raging. Would you like to borrow him for the weekend? He’s free and he provides his own peanut-free meals:) Happy Thanksgiving to you. Be safe. If anything happens to you, my blog would lose 50% of it’s readership. You and my mama keep this place in business:)
Oh, and Jen. She does good things too!
I so am awesome enough to drive and talk on my phone at the same time. I’d be better at it if my kids were in the trunk
Love this!
Seriously that’s really my one rule for being a passenger in the Dumb Mobile: shut it or trunk it, then you can talk all you want!
LOL! I was making a U turn the other day, and some lady hit me from behind. She got out of her car, and asked me if I was making a U turn in the middle of the road. WTF???? Where else do you make a u turn?
LMAO! Those tips totally need to be mass emailed to most of the drivers in the DC area.
you are so funny. great tips and I’m like you – able to do a million things while driving safely
but I’ve had to force myself to put the phone away and be more careful and cautious for the sake of my children needing their mom alive.
I’ve told my kids hundreds of times, if you love me you’ll ride in the trunk. All of their talking distracts my phone conversations making me have to look away from the road so that I can tell them to stuff it while I talk. Anything bad that happens is entirely their fault!
LMAO! I especially hate #4 and hate it even more when other people ask me to NOT wait my turn and try to get me to go when I shouldn’t. As you said it can be dangerous and cause confusion. Just go dammit and then I can when I’m supposed to. It isn’t a nice thing it is a stupid thing. Ugh.
{ 1 trackback }