Mom Tip Tuesday. Life as a MILF.

Everyone has a mom style.

You have the uptight moms (so meticulous about her boring dye job you probably think it’s real, pressed khakis, pastel colored twin sets, sort of a big deal with the PTA).

You have the Super-SAHM moms (cute ponytail that could possibly use a fresh dye job, yoga pants and sports bras even though she’s not worked out, nor is she going to, sort of a big deal with the other SAHMs).

You have the high-power career moms (not a bad root in sight but it’s clearly been dyed by a stylist with one name and a waiting list, stilettos, navy blue power suit, sort of a big deal with the school board).

You have the slutty sexy moms (bad roots for days, stilettos, shows a good amount of her birthday suit to accentuate her thong that is almost always visible over the top of her low rise jeans, sort of a big deal with the dads).

And then there are the moms like me.  You would probably say I’m the cool mom.

I like to refer to myself as the MILF.

No, silly, not that kind of MILF.

In my case a MILF is a Mom I’d Like to Friend.

You know on Twitter and Facebook and MySpace (do people even still use MySpace because I haven’t logged into my account since like 2008).

Because I’m cool.  And I actually use my page for stuff that has nothing to do with checking up on The Dudes or playing Farmville.

And, kids just seem to like me (despite the fact that in general, the feeling is not entirely mutual.  I’m good with babies up to about age 4 and then they lose all appeal for me until they make it around to about 12, and then we’re good from there).

They like that I’m the youngish one (not really, but I look and probably act like it) that listens to cool music, and wears cool clothes, and likes Twilight, and Ke$ha, and MTV.  I’m the one with the UGGs and the knee high socks, who knows all of the teen slang words, but is too cool to like bust them out in front of teenagers (although you better believe that I tell grown up people that this is gonna be an “epic year for me” all the time, even if it does sorta make me feel like a tool).

I don’t care what anyone says, my being the MILF is awesome for my soon-to-be tweenage son.  Because our house is the spee-zot (aka the place other kids like to hang out at).*

On any given day you can find at least one, but generally more like three or four, kids who don’t belong to me sitting on my couch (or lying on my floor), watching my TV, and grubbing on my specially made snackage.

It’s so they can get away from their anti-cool parents and be around me, ultra cool Mommy-MILF.

It feels good to be liked, even if everyone who likes you is under the age of 13. 

I want every Mom to experience that feeling.

In a likely to be pointless effort to get people who are young to like you, I introduce to you…

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Looking Cool to Your Tweenager, Teenager, and their Sorry Friends

1.  Don’t speak about it, be about it.  Cool is a state of mind.  But, it’s not a free state.  Everyone can’t be cool, just like everyone can’t go to a good college or marry someone rich.  It’s an exclusive club that you have to work to get into.  And, you have to be cool at ALL times.  You can’t just try to talk like you’re cool on occasion; no dropping the “that shiz was tight” catch phrases just when the kids are around.  You have to live it.  On the daily.  So kids will know that when you’re chillin’ with them you’re keeping it real.  They don’t want to think you’re gonna hate on them when you see them shredding at the grocery store.**

2.  Walk the walk, but don’t talk the talk.  Seriously.  MILF faux-pas numero uno: you say stuff like “That’s hot” or “Don’t hate, congratulate” out loud.  To people.  Like I said in #1, being cool is a state of mind, if you know you have swag, you don’t actually have to say you have swag.  People who have swag rarely even use the word swag.  People who use the word swag are dorks.  Tweens and teens don’t like kickin’ it with dorky parents who say things like swag.

3.  Bribery.  Tweens and teens are the group of humans most receptive to bribery.  They fully understand how it works, they usually hold up their end of the deal (unlike the toddler set who cheat), and they are comfortable with the slightly unsavory nature of the whole transaction.  Plus, generally, they require very little: a ride to the movies, some after school snackage, and some space in your driveway to do sweet jumps.  In return you get to stand in your kitchen and eavesdrop on them to find out which of the little breezies in the hood is trying to spit game at your kid.

4.  Get in the know.  Even if you know you shouldn’t say words like epic, and chillax to your kids, you should still know what they mean should they come up when you are sneaking around, reading your son’s texts while he’s taking a shower in general conversation.  Here is a teen speak quiz to help you know where you stand.  Naturally, I got a 100%.  If you get anything less than that, come on back here and beg me to help you.  I may be your only hope.

5.  Do you dog.  Pretty much, teens, like grown ups, like people who don’t try to front in their faces (act cool when they are with them, but act different when others are around).   No one likes being hated on (talked about for being awesome), and people appreciate it when you keep it real (be authentic and true to yourself).  If you are awesome you will be cool to adults and teens alike.  People of all ages will want to be you, or at least around you.  Take it from someone who knows about this stuff and chillax!

Now come on back for Wordful Wednesday tomorrow.  I may or may not be sharing with the world the dreadful new haircut I got this weekend.

 

*Really, I know that kids just flock to my house because I’m home and I do make some delightful finger foods for their consumption.  Oh, and because The Dudes are cute.  Girls come because The Dudes are cute.  I know they want my boys.

**If you were confused by some of the words I’ve used here, then you are probably not at all equipped for being a MILF.  Chose one of the other options mentioned and embrace it.

Tagged as: being awesome, MILF, mom advice, mom awesome, mom tips, the life of a super cool mom