When you have a kindergartener to kiss goodbye.
Because even if you’ve done it once (or a many) times before, it’s always hard.
It’s always scary.
And, if you’re not a heartless wench, it always makes you cry, or at least want to cry a little, even if they are finally-I-thought-I’d-never-get-rid-of-that-little-monster tears of joy.
But, standing at your kids’ bus stop, crying fugly, wiping boogie-snots on your toddler’s baseball cap is not a good look for anyone.
Plus it’ll probably embarrass your kid. And your husband. And possibly even your dog.
So Dumb Mom is here to save the day!
Again.
Because that’s just what I do; save people who clearly need to be saved.
Dumb Mom’s Guide to NOT Effing Up Your Kid’s First Day of Kindergarten
1. Do NOT buy your kid stupid clothing, footwear, and or accessories. Meaning, no Nick Jr. or Playhouse Disney character shirts, no light up shoes, and no mini backpacks. Big, 70s inspired, Mystery Machine shaped lunch bags are NOT stupid, I don’t care what anyone says.
2. Do buy your kid clothing, footwear, and accessories that are AWESOME so they go to school looking like a friggin rockstar with their 70s inspired, Mystery Machine shaped lunchboxes that are gangster…
And, get ‘em a watch. Because kids who wear watches and fancy socks and Axe for men, while carrying gangster Scooby and Friends lunchboxes really are rockstars, or at least they have a good shot of growing up to be.
3. Do NOT call them by their nickname. I mean seriously, do you want your child to spend the rest of his life as Booper, Scoob, Chunk, or Lil Mama? If your kid is named Marcus write Marcus on the paper and put something reasonable like “Mark” (not “Moo-Moo”) on the “likes to be called” line.
4. Do teach your kid his REAL name. Make sure he knows it when it’s said out loud or written on a piece of paper. It would suck if he spent his first day of school lost and unidentifiable, sitting in the office alone because no teacher has a “Pookie” on their roster. And yes, I’ve seen this happen.
5. Do NOT make your kid take a healthy lunch filled with cardboard tasting food he’s never even seen before. Just send him a flippin’ sandwich. No need to get all fancy about it. The important thing is that you send nutritious, energy boosting food that he’s actually gonna want to eat. Or crap, hyper making food he’s actually gonna eat. Really no one at school even cares what you send, just send something so he’s not hungry.
6. Do make your kid something decent for lunch so he doesn’t have to ask me to hook him up. For the record, kids don’t like the nasty looking cancer-meat with the jelly balls in it*. I mean most grown ups don’t even like that crap, that’s why it’s always on sale. Buy ham and cheese. Or peanut butter and jelly. Or anything that doesn’t make him want to gag on sight.
7. Do NOT think your left-behind toddler is going to enjoy his extra “Mommy” time. He doesn’t like you anywhere near as much as he likes his big brothers. You may even be a bit of a stranger to him at this point as he’s spent his two years on this planet avoiding you in favor of harassing hanging with his two favorite American Idols.
8. Do expect to be exhausted by your toddler even more than before. He’s lonely and bored and excited about so many things that he just absolutely must tell you about in detail while you are on the phone with the insurance company. Or heading to the bathroom to handle your business. Or trying to see if Teen Mom Farrah is finally gonna spill the beans about what happened to her baby-daddy already. Point is, togetherness will be an adjustment for both of you because he wasn’t the only one doing some avoiding the past two years or so. And, now that there is no one to “check on the baby”, “help the baby”, or “put Dora on for the baby,” you may find yourself one busy little lady, who may or may not be slowly driven to madness by the incessant ramblings of a two year old baby genius.
9. Do NOT forget to wear your underwear to the bus stop. After what I’ve seen I feel compelled to mention this. Plus, I’d hate for another unsuspecting mom to have her corneas burned and her psyche scarred for life.
10. Do select pants that, should you forget to don undergarments, will provide ample butt cheek protection. Ignoring this suggestion may be pleasurable for the bus driver, but it will undoubtedly be horrifying for your fellow mom. He’s a nice guy and all, but I’m nice too and I just don’t deserve to be assaulted before my morning coffee has had a fighting chance at making my brain tolerant.
Other things to be prepared for…
- Kindergarteners who were not in full time daycare prior to the beginning of school will be EXHAUSTED when they get off the bus. They may have to pee super bad too. Be prepared to run like the wind.
- They give kindergarteners homework. Pretty sure it’s specifically designed to punish parents for getting all happy about sending their kids off all day. Well played teachers. Well. Played.
- They will not tell you everything that happened, but they are WAY more forthcoming than their 3rd grade brothers, so ask away because it won’t last.
- You are allowed to nap. And watch Tivoed episodes of True Blood. And meet your friends for coffee. I still don’t get to do those things, thanks to my loquacious toddler, but I think people who can should. You totally deserve it and I’ll only hate you a little.
Hope these help!
#2 seems happily adjusted to kindergarten and only complains briefly in the morning (about the mean bus driver, the fact that he has to go everyday, and PE because he thinks they are trying to exercise him to death). Other than that all is good on the kindergarten front which is another score for me and my quest to be More Than Mediocre Mom of the Year (a contest of my own design that I’m destined to chose myself as the winner of)!
Have a Mom Tip OR a back-to-school post you want to share this week?! Link away…
*Apparently the “jelly” is actually like olives or something equally revolting. Whatever, jelly, olives, same difference as neither of them have any business hanging around my lunch meat.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Funny. You make me look forward to sending my kids off to school. Three at once. That’s gonna be a shocker. I’m kinda counting the minutes though.
I was too for #2, but now, it’s just too much. All this “mommy” time with #3 is seriously cramping my Twitter time:)
Mine is adjusting pretty well and today when I dropped her off my gut didn’t clench so I’m guessing that is an improvement. She actually hasn’t had any homework yet. I did have to fill out a family tree today, but it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Get ready because it’s coming. If not now, in first grade. Kindergarten wasn’t horrible with the homework although it did pick up significantly after the winter holidays, but 1st grade blew. My. Mind.
You are so funny. Thanks for the laughs; I need them. My baby goes to kindergarten next Tuesday, so I will be ALONE. Problem is, after 13 years with NO time to myself, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be alone. It’s awkward and scary… really kinda pitiful. I envy you having your loquacious toddler for company.
Well, you could like borrow him you know. Seriously, you’d do it once and then alone would be looking mighty fine. I’m not anxious for him to head out or anything because he is my last baby, but I can’t say I’d turn down a free mommy-goes-out-in-silence-while-someone-who-likes-toddler-talk-comes-in-for-a-bit day!
That lunchbox is awesome!! My youngest is starting preschool… and it’s an all day program! I will, like, be by myself from 9:30 until 3:30. And the thing about the underwear.. I… wha…. who tha hell…. oh never mind.
Yeah, go ahead, be flabbergasted. Puke on your shoes. That’s what I did anyway.
I Love that lunch box! Scoob was THE BEST!
I wrote about 1st days at school but mine wasn’t nearly as funny!
It doesn’t have to be funny. Everyone can’t be funny all the time. It’s sort of a gift I think! Feel free to link it anyway I’ll read fo sho!
You are always my go-to girl for advice….and once again, you did not dissappoint! Although, my little just-turned-3yo is off to an Early Childhood class, and I know I’m not going to handle it well….it’s nice to have direction.
Please note: should any Dumb Mom advice fail horribly, cause you to lose your job, your kid, or your lunch, don’t blame me, I’m a dummy! Glad it’s been coming in handy thus far though. And, Dumb Dad doesn’t think I’m a resource. In. Yo. Face. Dumb Dad. Inyofaccccce!
Good luck with your first day!
LOL
A few more:
It’s okay to give your kid a pass and let him say “fart”. All the other kids do, and if he says “toot” at school, he WILL be made fun of.
Likewise, introduce proper names (not the baby names you have been using all along) for the male anatomy prior to sending your kid off to school with a bunch of other kids. “Pee pee” isn’t really appropriate anymore.
Not that I’ve learned this from experience or anything.
You pretty much just word-for-word described what I’ve been going through since my oldest started Kgarten almost a month ago. Especially #8 … geez. Only I have two little ones left at home, ages two and almost-one, so they require constant supervision because their brother isn’t here to tattle on ‘em. Man, what that does to my Internet time!
I am completely not looking forward to the extra Mommy alone time with my 18 month-old. Plus I probably have to sign him up for a gym class or a music class which bore me to tears. Only four more years til he’s in kindergarten. Yippee!
Numbers 9 and 10 really confused me. Who forgot to wear underwear? I do I want to know?
#2…Baby, they are trying to exercise you to death, and if you live until eighth grade, they will stop and you can take journalism instead of P.E. Those are pickles and pimientos in the lunch meat, and I would pay full price if someone else in my house would eat some.
How did you pick Marcus for your example? Did I fall asleep on a deck chair and talk in my sleep?
I’m dying! This is brilliant! Please repost next year when I take my daughter to kindergarten. I will need this.
Just discovered your blog! Too fun! Left a link (Party Planning Tips), twice.
Whoops sorry about that! Was trying to change my “name” section and got click happy. Look forward to following along.
With Joy, Carey