Diaper Guide

Effective Immediately!

I know we have discussed this issue in the past. However, due to recent developments and the inability of certain members to adhere to the originally stated diaper changing protocol, changes to the procedures are being made.

Please make note of the new standards regarding diaper changes. These will be implemented immediately. Your cooperation is expected and appreciated.

1. No shows of righteous indignation. I did not stink up your pants at the exact moment we put on your shoes and stepped into the yard for a play. You did. So the running, screaming, and kicking is completely unwarranted. These behaviors will only be expected and tolerated when I actually am guilty of dropping a mad dooce in your pamper and blaming you for it. Until then, I ask that you immediately cease and desist with the desperate shows of violence. The neighbors are staring, and you. Look. Ridiculous.

2. No physical intervention. During the changing of your doocies, you are no longer permitted to take that time to explore your nether regions. I find such behavior annoying, disgusting, and down right embarrassing. And, locating your man parts, giving them a jingle, and then laughing out loud is awkward for me, particularly when you engage in such behavior while lying spread eagle on the changing table at the mall. So, please, stop it.

3. Diaper must remain intact. As you are quite frequently in a hurry to return to whatever mischief you were involved in before I abducted you to perform some basic personal hygiene, I find it counterproductive that you consistently rip the tabs off of the pamper so that I can not attach it. This just causes me to spend additional time locating a replacement. Also, this is a recession, my friend, so I’d appreciate it if we could all be a little less wasteful. Two diapers per change is in no way cost effective. If such behavior continues I will be forced to attach the diaper to your heiney with duct tape, and I don’t think that will be a hit with the 2 and under set.

4. Toy assault is prohibited. I give you the toy so that you may be entertained (and distracted) while I do my booty duty. I find it highly offensive that you feel the need throw it in my face, beat me with it, or use it as an assault weapon in any way. Additionally, it is inappropriate and unhygienic to use the toy in place of your hands as a pleasure item. Rubbing it around “down there” has got to stop. From this point forward, for health reasons, all inanimate objects that come into contact with your man pack during diaper changes will be immediately placed in the sink for sterilization.

5. No reintroduction. Soiled diapers are to remain in whatever waste receptacle I place them in. It is unacceptable to dig them out of the trash, open them, and explore their contents. Furthermore, hiding the contents in your closet so that they may be discovered at a later date is borderline criminal and will not be tolerated in the future.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Currently, I am not at liberty to discuss the consequences for not abiding by these rules. But, let me tell you, Mister, I mean business.